I got my first shot today. I am planning to be immune by May, at which point I will celebrate by taking a day off to tourist around San Francisco, and get a massage, and a haircut.
The sensation of relief is enormous. The city has been re-opening and I live in a touristy neighborhood. My main fear with Covid has not so much been catching it initially, it’s more about post-Covid complications, and being a disease vector that transmits it to others. Living in a world where people are stumbling around in their own personal grief fog. Virus mutations. Lack of universal healthcare. I can keep going, but you get the drift. At least I'm more optimistic about my own survival.
I’m looking forward to emerging from my apartment. I’m making all sorts of plans for Immunity Day: haircut, deep tissue massage, crispy french fries, a spin on the new Ferris wheel in Golden Gate Park.
I’ve changed in lots of ways during the last year. I’ve severed connections with more than one relative over politics. I changed occupations and am learning how to work effectively from my couch. I stopped listening to American music, which has made me notice lots of things about it. I made a lot of progress in learning how to live with myself; I can be difficult to get along with.
Rhonda Wray: Raptor Wrangler is doing not-bad-for-an-indie. It gets a regular trickle of sales but I’ve had a tough time getting reviews. It did, technically, get nominated for a Lodestone at the Hugo Awards, so I can truthfully state that it’s both a Hugo nominee and a best-seller.
I kinda want to do a sequel … but instead I find myself writing a courtroom drama (with SF elements). With adult characters. It’s mainly about trial procedure, sort of My Cousin Vinnie with aliens. We’ll see where that gets me.
But anyway, that’s why I’ve been ignoring the blog. I keep changing horses mid-stream, creatively speaking, and I’ve been trying to figure out what my art wants to do next.
I’m having the same issues with music as I do with my writing and all my other art (and my personal life too but that’s beside the point) – commitment phobia. One day I want to sing gravely voiced blues, the next day I want to do smooth robotic dance music. I do have an operational studio, which is something. Eventually I’ll either lay down some music, or die.
I only listen to Asian music now. It’s helping me look at my own culture from a different angle. South Korea and the Hallyu have restored my ability to find joy in art.
This place has been cluttered for years but I just started to make it look nice again, with quirky touches. I resurfaced a coffee table with K-Pop stickers and glitter paint, and I liked the way it turned out so I am slowly transforming my tabletops from boring wood to displays for my collections of weird stickers.
Friends and Family
I still know a few conservatives, religious people, and gun fans. I don’t know any bigots anymore, or sexists, or people who want to get rid of transexual people, or autistics. I had a few lurking in my Facebook crowd and peer associations, but we got together and purged them. I also left a few associations that tolerate haters.
I cut ties with family members who disagree about hate, and in fact, I’m divorced from the concept of family. “Family” is what people say to me before doing something profoundly disappointing, according to my overwhelming experience. The best people in my life have been platonic friends, and I’m a fool for chasing the family illusion and not appreciating them more. I won’t make that mistake again.
I’ve totally let myself go. I’ve probably gained weight. I know I’ve lost muscle. I never wear makeup anymore, and sometimes I’ll go three or four days without showering.
At the same time, I’ve started wearing scent. Most of the time I’m in a long modest nightie that would make my ancestors happy. I’m open about liking girly music, and cute things. My femininity is no longer performative. I've been buying colorful shirts to wear when I go outside again.
I go days without vocalizing to anyone other than my cat. It’s nice. I don’t have any interpersonal conflict at all, which is soothing (flip side: occasionally I get lonely).